Tips to get thru IVF

I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately on what behaviors and habits worked well for me and kept the stress to a minimum during my last IVF cycle.  Thought I'd post them:

• Keep a sense of humor - the more serious you are during your cycle, the higher the stakes will feel and the pressure will be too much.  Keep it light-hearted and you will keep the stress down as well. 
• Focus on one thing at a time - if you are stimming, don't worry about embryo transfer, etc.  Getting too far ahead of the game increases stress.  Thinking about all the stages of IVF is overwhelming if it is thought of all at once.  Learn as much as you can about the IVF process as a whole before you start your official cycle.  Once you start, breaking the cycle up into bite-sized pieces is much better and more manageable emotionally as well as physically.
• Join an online buddy group - I poo-pooed this idea at first but it was really surprising to see how much these groups have helped me get through our cycle and our resulting BFN.  Infertility is a very lonely road, but it doesn't have to be.  Millions of women across the world are going through the same thing.  Online groups are a good, easy way to give and receive support from women who know exactly what you are going through.
• Ask your nurse questions often - that is a big part of their job description.  There were times when I felt like I was being a nag and asking dumb questions, but I was always proven otherwise.  And always ask your nurse or RE questions instead of asking Dr. Google!  There is a lot of misleading and inaccurate info out there.
• Let your spouse in - chances are that your spouse is feeling similar feelings that you are.  Just because it may seem that you are doing all the work (taking shots, going to appointments, etc) doesn't mean that he doesn't feel overwhelmed or stressed as well.  Take the time to explain how you are feeling so that he may give the support that you need.
• Keep a gratitude journal - to keep things in perspective, try to find 3 things everyday that you are grateful for.  It may seem hard at first but it will get easier as time goes on.  Check this out if you are having trouble finding gratitude: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXDMoiEkyuQ
• Maintain a healthy lifestyle - eat healthy - organic when possible, keep processed and fast food to a bare minimum, go on daily walks for stress release, do yoga if it relaxes you.  If there ever was a time to take care of yourself, this is it!  Your mind and body will thank you.
• Take time to enjoy simple things - try to take a 5 minute time out everyday and enjoy something simple.  Play with your dog, buy yourself fresh flowers, take a nice hot bubble bath, spend some time just sitting and looking for the beauty in your surroundings. 
• Meditate often - the best news about meditating is that you don't need to buy anything and you can be anywhere to do it.  Of course it is best to be in a place where you can relax your body and you will not be interrupted.  There are a countless number of free iphone apps that can be used as aids and there is Circle and Bloom as well if you are willing to spend a bit to get full guided relaxation that is imperative during an IVF cycle.  http://www.circlebloom.com/get-started/ivf-program/
• Trust your body - during an IVF cycle you are injecting all sorts of drugs and making some pretty unreasonable and unnatural demands on your body.  It is easy to get paranoid that your body is not cooperating or have doubts that all this work is not going to result in a baby.  But sometimes you are going to just have to tell your mind to "Shut up!!".  A little patience here will go a long way.  Your body knows what it needs to do and you just need to let it happen.
• Keep hopes high, but do not have high expectations - you may worry that it will hurt more if you have high hopes and your cycle is not successful.  This is true - it will hurt if you have an unsuccessful cycle.  But you will learn to move on and heal.  There is no substitute for thinking positively, visualizing conception and carrying a baby to term.  We are human and it is perfectly healthy and normal to have hopes and dreams.  However, expectations are premeditated disappointments and are not healthy to have for an IVF cycle.  These will elevate the stakes and will impose too much pressure on yourself that is counterproductive.
• Let go and let God - in the end, it is God who will bless us with a baby.  There is so much that seems to ride on the woman's body during IVF and so much to do to prepare.  She needs to exercise, but not too much; eat well, but not too well - fat is good for TTC; take vitamins, but not too many; etc, etc, etc.  But really... while we do have control over our bodies to a certain extent, no matter what my husband and I do, we cannot control the outcome.  Do not look at this as something that is frustrating, see it as something to be relieved about.  It's not all in your hands!

Meditation CDs, test results, & sense of smell

I went ahead and bought the Circle and Bloom mp3 set for myself for xmas and really like it already. Was doing meditation sporadically with some free iphone apps before but Circle & Bloom is specifically targeted to IVF and is guided so really helps me out. Each session out of 20 or so total sessions are to be listened on specific days of your IVF cycle, so I'm hoping that will help me to be more diligent with keeping up with it. I like things to be regimented, scheduled (does not really help me let go and let God, but it makes me feel like I'm doing my part - which I do have full control over). 

I got my FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) and E2 (estradiol) numbers back. FSH is 6.4 and E2 is 89. FSH level is good - below 9.  But RE said E2 is a bit high - they like it under 80, but it's below 100, so it's adequate. If it was much higher, it could artifically supress my FSH number. Still waiting on AMH. I will probably get that result next Thursday. So feeling relieved somewhat. Still uneasy about E2 level and jittery about what my AMH will come back at, but nothing I can do about that right now.

But the main focus for me right now is to get my damn sense of smell back! Went to a nose doc and she gave me Prednisone and Nasonex (cleared those with RE who said those were fine - just need to be off those meds after CD1 of next IVF cycle) so we'll see what happens. She didn't think it had anything to do with the hormones though - probably more like the slightest of colds that brought it on. Wierd...

Meds are here!

I got my period yesterday. Yay!! So I have to get thru this cycle and then I'll be ready to go! I have to get FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) and AMH (anti mullerian hormone) tests done tomorrow - sorta nervous about those results - and then I have hysteroscopy on January 3rd at my new REs office in Chicago. Excited about that one! Also got my meds ordered and they arrived today complete with 45 3" syringes. Ugh! Don't know what those are for. Just needed those big boys for trigger last time. Maybe progesterone? But 45?? I guess maybe I'll need 45 if its successful? Doing the projesterone injections this time instead of suppositories. Anyway, things are moving forward at a good clip now! February here we come!!

We have switched REs!

We have officially switched REs! I'm feeling really good about our decision. I've heard great things about our new RE. There is not going to be as much hand holding though. We are trading Hoosier hospitality with the gruff Chicago attitude but that is fine with me if it means we will have a better chance at having a successful 2nd IVF cycle! I've done lots of research on this new RE and the concensus seems to be that if you want your hand held, don't go here; but if you want a baby, this is the place to go!

My drugs have been ordered and I'm on my way to starting my next cycle! I still have my next period to get thru (hopefully she comes soon) and then I think I can start BCPs on the next cycle? Not too sure about the whole timeline. Will know when my period comes. Yay!

Also seeing a nose doc on Wednesday. I've been goggling too much cuz now I'm paranoid I have auto immune issues -Sjogrens Disease to be exact. It can present with dry eyes (eyes have been dry since couple days post transfer), dry nose (since ER), changes in smell to name a few of the symptoms. If I have something like that, that would throw a pickle in things. Oh well! Gonna let Dr Google take the weekend off!!

Still can't smell

Still can't smell. LOL. Whatever!! Dr Google says that olfactory ducts turn over every 10 days so I'm gonna test out that theory and then go to doc next week if there is no improvement. Trying to get our possible new RE to order drugs for us before the end of the year and our insurance rolls over. If they agree to that, then we're officially switching REs! Really hope I get my period soon. Have to get AMH and FSH tests done on day 3 and don't want to deal with it around x-mas time! Will have to wait a whole cycle to start IVF again. I think I'll be able to start BCP in January though. Pretty please??

Where is sense of smell??

For the past week I have been unable to smell anything. I never realized how much I enjoyed being able to smell things! Even bad things! Well this morning I still couldn't smell anything. But then I worked out (haven't done it in about 1.5 weeks) and afterwards, I could smell! This evening it has died down to being able to faintly smell things but I'll workout again tomorrow and hopefully continue the trend! Really bizarre. Just don't understand what that's all about. Not sick and haven't had a head injury. Only thing I can blame it on is the ivf hormones. But haven't been on them for awhile now. And why was i able to regain my sense of smell after working out?? Hmmm... Oh well!

Ideas for closure

I am having a rough time processing the negative outcome of our IVF cycle. I am just so mad and feeling sorry for myself. My hubby and I are seeing a therapist to help me process and she asked me at our last session if I thought of our embies as blobs of cells or as babies. I never thought of it before but I definitely thought of them as my babies whereas my hubby did not. That was enlightening though and she suggested having some sort of informal ceremony to get closure. Plant a tree, get a box and put the picture of the embies in it and bury it or similar. Sort of difficult to do that in mid December but something to think about I guess.  Something I've heard on one of the IVF forums is to write a letter to the embryos.  I think I may definitely do that.

WTF meeting

We had our WTF meeting today. It was okay. Enlightening. Basically our last cycle failed because of my eggs. I have to get FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) done again and AMH (anti mullerian hormone) tests done to make sure I don't have DOR (diminished ovarian reserve). Otherwise they are making the assumption that I'll do better on antagonist protocol with lupron trigger. Every single one of my eggs was bad though - my RE called them 'clorg' eggs. Clorg stands for clustered organelles or something - which is bad apparently. It's all science fiction to me. I'm just calling them plain old rotten eggs! Definitely disturbing though. Now I have to wait for my period to come and go get these tests done. Prior to starting our IVF, my RE did not recommend any further testing for me b/c of my hubby's sperm quality. He said the meds would take care of any issues I might have and the IVF procedure would bypass my blocked tube. We already knew that I had hormone issues, but did not do further investigation beyond the FSH test I had 2 years ago - just knew it would be harder to get pregnant given my estrogen and progesterone levels. Well, the drugs didn't seem to solve my issues and now we have to try again. Sort of pissy. Especially since my job is not very secure right now and the only reason we are able to do this at all is because my insurance is awesome. I am so thankful for it, but now it seems like I have a good chance of loosing it soon and we pretty much wasted an opportunity with this last cycle. Sorry for the rant, but I just feel like I was a guinea pig - and unnecessarily so. I know it's sort of a trial and error type thing with the protocols but if the FSH and AMH tests are going to determine if I have DOR or not and hence an antagoist approach is better for that diagnosis, I think that's pretty important to know before going in to a cycle. Whatever! I think we might be switching REs anyway. Possibly to the clinic in Chicago that we had the phone consult with. Commuting there will suck but they accomodate out of town couples all the time and they have really good success rates. My clinic, not so much - below average actually.

With regard to infertility, I know I can't control it, fix it, change it and it drives my stubborn type A self nuts. Perhaps this is God's way of letting me know I'm not really in control. What I struggle with is where to draw the line between using the blessings God has given us and trying to manipulate or control the situation. My hubby says that we just need to quiet our minds and be confident that we are exactly where we should be. Opportunities present themselves and then we can take action - not the other way around.

2nd opinion phone consult

Had our 2nd opinion consult this evening and got a lot of questions answered. Our bad embryos were most likely due to an egg or lab problem. I asked about sperm and DNA frag and he said sperm accounts for 5% of the embryo quality. The rest is on the egg and lab techs. That explains why my embies were so slow even on day 3. So I'm cranking up on the royal jelly! Good news though is that he gave us a success rate of 70% - way better than the 40% at our current clinic! He'd put me on ganirelex protocol with a lupron trigger b/c he said my estradiol (E2) levels were way too high to support good embie development - HCG trigger increases E2 levels and ends up frying the eggs. Have our consult with our current clinic on Thursday so we'll see what they say.

Processing the BFN

I've been doing some reading on DNA fragmentation in sperm lately. Wondering if that was an issue that we were dealing with last time. I don't know why the DNA fragmentation test for sperm is not a standard test included with the basic male infertility diagnostic process. Seems like a lot rides on the frag number. I have started hubby on extra vitamin E and C. It's just such a battle to get him to take them - especially the vitamin C! To his credit though I am giving him a lot of vitamins. I may see if there are gummy versions of some of them:)) Hopefully we'll be able to cut back on them soon.

I am so tired of my cycle right now. It's been 1 1/2 weeks since starting my period and I am still spotting and ovulation is nowhere in sight. I have no idea when I'll get my next period. Good news though is that we get to do a phone consult with an RE in Chicago tomorrow - Advanced Fertility! http://www.advancedfertility.com/ Originally we were scheduled for the 2nd week of January, but there was a cancellation so we got bumped up. I'm really interested to hear about what this doctor has to say given that his success rates are so much better. Also have our followup with our current RE on Thursday so by that time we should have a good idea of what happened, what we'll do next and when.

BUT before we move forward, unfortunately I have to go in for some therapy:( I guess it's not such a bad thing but my hubby is telling me that I need to get help processing our failed cycle. I suppose he could be right, but I am under the impression that I am supposed to be mad, sad, slightly depressed for what could have been. Isn't it normal to feel like this?? We found out it failed only 1 1/2 weeks ago so I don't think I should have totally bounced back yet. I wasn't prepared for the amount of loss that I feel, but I know that our life will go on and we have more chances to try again.

Slow embryos on days 1-3=bad eggs?

I got my records from my RE and on day 3, 4 of our embies were either 2 or 3 cells. I had 1 at 4 cells and another at 5 cells. Those last 2 went on to be compacting embies on day 5. The others all arrested on day 3. Aren't they supposed to be at least 6 cells on day 3? All had about 25% fragmentation. So I’m wondering if this is an egg issue? We're dealing with male factor infertility and ovulation issues with me so I guess I'm sort of surprised to see our status on day 3. I guess there is no test to test for bad eggs - that test is IVF in fact. So you never know what you are going to get until you actually get the eggs out. Something to bring up at our follow-up consult I suppose.

Vitamins, vitamins, vitamins!

While we are waiting to hear about what happened with our last cycle, we are moving on and gearing up for another IVF cycle in a couple months. I have added 1000 (don't know the unit) of Royal Jelly to the rest of my supplements. I was already taking vitamins E, C, B complex, prenatal, omega 3, & coq10. I also started taking myoinositol, melatonin, and L-arginine. Hubby is on multi, vitamins E, C, B12, Lcarnitine, Larginine, coq10, zinc, selenium and just started him on pycnogenol & royal jelly. PHEW!! Don't even want to begin to think about how much $ I've spent so far on vitamins alone. But I have realized that there are a lot of deals to be found regarding vitamins if you are willing to look around. My grocery store and CVS routinely has buy one get one free sales and also have found a lot of good deals online - www.swansons.com is a good site that has cheap vitamins. I may have gone off the deep end with the supplements but we'll see what happens! Really believe that they can make a difference. I feel really good when taking them, so hopefully that's a good indicator!

Cycle recap

My period came last Wednesday morning (the day of my beta ironically) and beta came back negative. Hubby & I spent all day weeping and feeling sorry for ourselves and then dragged ourselves out of the house the following day to go spend Thanksgiving Day with hubby's family. It was the best thing we could have done - to be around normal happy people. We didn't tell any of them about our IVF procedure so there weren't any questions or anything and we were thankful for that. The following day I set up a WTF (what the fuck) appt with our RE for Dec 6th, did some research on what to do for our next cycle, & did some looking at other clinics.

To recap our previous IVF cycle, my stim response was borderline OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome). I was "coasting" a lot. I didn't feel uncomfortable at all, but my E2 (estradiol) number was too high. They put me on Cabergoline to prevent OHSS after triggering ovulation with HCG and got 10 eggs, 8 mature, and 6 fert normally with ICSI. By day 5 we had 2 compacting embies - no blasts or morulas. Usually about 1/3 of fertilized embryos will make it to blastocyst stage on day 5. - but ours were slow We transferred both of the embryos that were still alive and did not have any frosties. I had a positive outlook up until our embryo transfer day when we didn't have any blasts. I kept my negativity to myself but just didn't have the best feeling. The embryologist said not to worry, that they see embies like ours make it to blast by day 6 all the time - but that didn't really appease me. I spent the next 1.5 weeks trying to relax and distract myself. But last Tuesday night my cramps and spotting started and I broke down. Hubby was still positive, said that he read stories about women spotting and cramping during early pregnancy, but I just knew. Sure enough, my period showed up that following morning. I was on progesterone suppositories too - so not really sure why my period showed. My nurse said that "that happens sometimes" though so I guess I won't worry about that.

It's official... BFN

Well, this cycle is officially a bust. Aunt Flow showed her ugly face this morning and beta just came back negative.

Don't have a good feeling

I really hate to be a downer but I had a meltdown today. I started spotting and having period-like cramps at work. When I finally got home, I broke down. My hubby did some quick googling for me and told me to relax - that from what he could see, lots of ladies have spotting and cramping when they are preggo - but I just don't know. This feels like the ugly witch is on her way even though I'm still on progesterone. I am not expecting much from my beta tomorrow morning if the witch stays away that long. Just trying to keep it in perspective - if it's negative, I'm not going to die or anything - we'll just re-group and try again.

Not testing before beta

I am not testing before my beta test on Wednesday. I just can't do it! I am enjoying the dream too much to ruin it and create too much anxiety:( I so want to know though! I'm only 2 days away - well really only 1 day now. So if I got thru the past couple days without testing, I'm going to wait. Just starting to get so so so nervous! At least we have plan B - trying again immediately when our insurance rolls over next year... trying to stay positive though.

5dp5dt update

I am 5dp5dt (5 days past 5 day transfer) today and am surprised at how easily I've been able to resist testing. Cramps did come back for me last night with some pretty noticeable pinches and boobs are slightly tender. But all can be explained by progesterone I guess. I am wondering when the Aunt Flow typically arrives in an IVF cycle if it fails? After progesterone support stops or does it just come when it usually comes? Well, time will tell - hopefully my period will just stay away for 9 months!

Bed rest

I just really don't get why all the bed rest is needed. I even asked the nurses if it was okay to do a #2 because they were so hyped up on the bedrest. Either progesterone or the HCG shot made me so backed up (sorry tmi) so I was concerned. But the nurse laughed and said that they won't fall out during a BM. Have there been studies done about bed rest being effective? Haven't googled that yet - maybe that will be what I distract myself with tomorrow. Maybe that was our problem all along with trying to conceive naturally! I just never took enough bedrest when the embryos were ready to hatch!

The 2ww is literally making me nuts! Every little twinge makes me wonder "What was that??" I am so in tuned to my body right now it's ridiculous. Breaking out the meditation apps tomorrow and going to my acupuncturist for some much needed stress release!

Giving google a rest today

I'm doing better today. I took another day off of work to take it easy some more. I didn't do as much obsessive googling so that was good. My hubby was home so he was keeping an eye on me. I did read though that embies are typically classified as morulas once they reach 16 cells and are compacting. The embryologist said yesterday that our ricecakes were compacting 20 cell embies - so I'm just thinking of them as morulas. I do read good things about 5-day morulas turning into healthy babies so keeping my fingers crossed that's what the case is with me too!

Good chances for our embies

Got a call from the embryologist. She said our embies were indeed slow and were not quite morulas yet but they have seen plenty of embies like mine make it to blast by day 6 and there was no reason to think that they haven't reached the blast stage right now:). So hopefully she is right! She did say that I'm about a day behind with implantation though. There's nothing wrong with that but if they are blasts now, they would hatch and implant tomorrow. So I donno. I might take another day of bed rest. I applied for FMLA before all this started so I'm just using that for ER and for ET instead of vacation time.

Too much googling!

Ugh! Can't get my eyes away from my laptop. I'm on day 2 of bedrest but cannot stop researching/looking for info on compacting embies on day 5. I should have asked for more info yesterday at the transfer but they had me take the valium right away so of course I was worthless after that! I asked the RE doing my transfer (not my regular RE) if my embies were morulas but she flatly said 'no' and that was all. No further info like: 'they are almost morulas', or 'they don't have much of a chance', etc. Didn't have an opportunity to talk to the embryologist yesterday either. I will be calling them later today though to hopefully get my questions answered. For now at least they are inside me though which is probably the best place for them to be. And I've read through all my ridiculous researching today that slow embies may mean that they are girls. I really don't care either way, but I think I am subconsiously hoping for a girl. Well - off to find a good movie to watch to get my mind off this stuff!

Transfer update

We just got back from our transfer. It went well. But only 2 of 6 made it to day 5 so I'm sort of disappointed. I guess they say to expect that 1/3 will make it to day 5 but I was just hoping we would defy the statistics. We transfered 2 and have none to freeze. Also the 2 we transfered are not quite blasts yet which I am not thrilled about. The embrologist said that they are progressing nicely and are compacted which means that they will probably divide again soon and become blasts - but still, I'm just a bit unsettled. Trying to stay positive though! Our beta is scheduled for the day before Thanksgiving and I just tested my trigger to make sure the HCG was out of my system in case I can't stand it anymore and have to test. Sure enough, BFN, so that's good! I could see myself testing next Sunday or Monday. I'm just so glad that we had something to transfer and that the viable embies are inside me now!! Here's the pic that we got of our 2 bitty ricecakes:



24 hours to go

Less than 24 hours to go until we know the fate of our embies. Hopefully this time tomorrow I'll be PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise)!! Just going to keep myself busy today with anything that PUPO ladies shouldn't do in the 2ww like yard work since it's such a nice day. If the transfer goes as planned, it'll be a good 2 days of bed rest awaiting me. Will post an update tomorrow!

Nanny-cams

Not much is going on today. Just trying to think about other things! We have embryo transfer scheduled for Sunday at 10:30am and we can call at 8:30am to see if our embryos are still viable. UGH! I should have asked them a couple months ago how often the embryologists communicate with the patients while in the 5 day wait to see how their embryos progress. I just didn't really think of it before I guess. I told my hubby today that they should install nanny-cams in the incubators so we can check up on them. Not like I'd be able to tell the difference between a high and low quality embryo, but it would ease my mind nonetheless!

Fertilitzation report

Got our fert report!
10 eggs retrieved
8 mature
6 fertilized normally via ICSI

Won't get another update until right before our transfer next Sunday. Ugh!! There is no part of this process that isnt riddled with anxiety!

The embryologist said that they won't look at them again until Sunday morning so calling them isn't going to help. What?? They aren't going to even look at them? Argh! Feel like they should at least check in on them - at least a peak on day 3!! But I guess there isn't really anything they can do for them between now and Sunday - just have to wait it out. So I guess I have to do the same. All this waiting is for the birds - especially now that we have something growing! Up until now it was only the promise of something.

Egg retrieval update

I weighed myself this morning to get a baseline before egg retrieval and already gained a pound! I've been literally chugging gatorade like it's my job. I have a bladder the size of a peanut so I will be up peeing all night long I'm sure! 

They got 10 eggs today. RE said that was good. Egg retrieval went well - so easy! Was really dopey afterwards. Kept asking my hubby if he got his 'homies' out okay. LOL. Just a bit out of it still right now. We find out tomorrow how many were mature and how many fertilized. Wish they would tell us the number of eggs that were mature today, but oh well. Just trying to distract myself, watching crappy daytime TV and may go vote later if I feel up to it.

Egg retrieval tomorrow morning

I am just loading up on fluids to prepare for my egg retrieval tomorrow morning. Pretty nervous about the aftermath and hoping I won't get OHSS but the nurse reassured me that it'll all be fine. My E2 is high - but not too high which is why they triggered me. She just said to PUSH the fluids to the point that I want to puke. LOL! So we'll see how it goes! Hoping to have a good number to report tomorrow and a good fertilization report on Wednesday!

Triggering tonight!

Triggering tonight for egg retrieval on Tuesday!

I'm triggering a bit early because my E2 level went waaayy up today to 5100. So RE has me on Cabergoline to prevent OHSS. Kinda takes the wind outta my sails a bit cuz know I don't know how many mature eggs they'll find. Hopefully it'll be enough.

Day 10 of stims

Ugh - still waiting on call from nurse but my ultrasound this morning showed that we didn't get much follie growth today. My E2 levels however were very high yesterday at 3000ish. It's good for my lining but not so good for keeping OHSS at bay. Nurse was saying that they may want to push me a day longer and trigger tomorrow to see if smaller follies catch up. Or depending on my E2 level - if it got higher - they may want to have me trigger tonight to prevent OHSS. Trying to figure out online if my follies are big enough to trigger. Nurse wasn't forthcoming with that info. Had 16 follies one at 20mm today but others were b/n 10-18mm. I'm reading that the HCG shot increase follie size a bit and brings them to maturity. So maybe I'll still have a good number of mature eggs. I don't know. Starting to get nervous!

Day 9 of stims

None of my shots really hurt. My acupuncturist is surprised that I don't have bruises all over my tummy. The follistim hurts more than the lupron for me because my injection pen doesn't push in so easy. I try to do the injections where my pants don't hit because they can pull my skin at the injection site and make it feel uncomfortable. Also I bleed if I slowly insert the needle instead of using the dart-like quick motion. Did that the other day when I had a blonde moment:P
My scan went well. Almost there! One more scan tomorrow morning. They want me to take a half dose of stim tomorrow and then trigger tomorrow night for ER on Tuesday! Whoo! Getting anxious!!

Day 8 of stims

RE monitored me yesterday. Had 16 follies from 8-16mm. E2 was 1800ish. That was up from 1200 the day prior so my levels had slowed and they said I could resume my follistim. Today had 16 follies again from 10-18mm. Good growth at about 2mm/day. But E2 was 2700ish!! Big change I guess. So they told me not to stim tonite and tomorrow morning. So tired of this back and forth. And I still really don't feel much. Am getting sorta sore in my ovarian region and am getting nauseous more often, but still not much. Just tired of daily blood draws in my arm. Hate those!! Starting to get track marks. Shots are fine, vaginal ultrasounds are unpleasant but fine but these blood tests are getting to be intolerable!!

Day 6 of stims - first monitoring appointment

This deadline at work is KILLING me! Ugh. What a week to have a deadline in the midst of stimming. Almost broke down in tears today I'm so hormonal:(.

Had first scan today. Have 14 follies sizes 5-14. Nurse said it was very good. But she called later and left voicemail to say that I should not stim tonite cuz my estrogen level is rising fast. Sorta have mixed feelings about this. Nervous I might be over stimming but glad I'm responding with minimal discomfort so far. Have a followup scan tomorrow. We'll see how I am tomorrow.

Day 4 of stims

I have my first monitoring appointment on Wednesday. Aside from the headaches, not feeling too much. I'm on day 4 of stims and thought I would be feeling more than I am. I feel a bit 'full' and crampy. But nothing bad at all. It's good but makes me paranoid that I'm not responding. Oh well, will just have to wait for Wednesday.

Day 2 of stims

My first day of stimming went well. I took about 15 minutes to load up the first shot. LOL! Just wanted to do it right. I have the follistim pen so it took some getting used to. No side effects or anything yet. Just feel sort of full in the ovarian region. I always feel my ovaries when I get close to ovulation so I imagine I'll start to feel them soon. I go for my 1st monitoring appointment on Halloween.

Start cycle appointment

Had my start cycle appointment yesterday. Estrogen and ultrasound were good so I'm starting follistim Friday morning! It'll be 1 shot in the morning, 1 at night, and 1 shot of lupron at night as well. I am going to run out of places to stick myself! LOL! I think I'll start injecting the lupron into my outer thigh instead of my tummy once I start stimming. I start monitoring next wednesday on Halloween. They'll see how I respond and it may be possible to have egg retrieval on the 6th or 7th! YAY! Things are picking up... finally!!!

Appointment tomorrow

Going in to RE tomorrow to get baseline ultrasound and bloodwork and FSH injection instructions. Have a feeling I'll be starting to stim on Thursday!! YAY!!

Meditation Apps

Regarding meditation, I have tried a couple apps but the apps I like the most are Brainwave Zen Meditation and take a break by Meditation Oasis. The Brainwave one is my fav - I can't explain the science behind it but the app uses different tones and frequencies to put your brain in a meditative state without you "trying" to. Perfect if you are like me and can't "turn off your head"! You can mask the tones (b/c they sound kinda wierd) with music, nature sounds, etc that come with the app. I can get really relaxed with this one though and you can choose the time that you want to meditate for. I usually do 10 - 20 minutes. The other one is good too and is a guided meditation with a woman's voice guiding you thru relaxing. There is a 7 minute and 13 minute option. When I do it I use the 13 minute one. Hope these help! There are oodles of apps out there! I also have random meditative music on my phone too that I listen to when I get too frenzied.

I call my RE tomorrow to set my start cycle appointment! Then will know when I start stimming.

Acupuncture & meditation

Ugh - have been so busy last couple days. Haven't had a chance to post! The upside of telling work about my upcoming IVF procedure is that I don't have to stress about taking the time off that i need - but the downside is that they are putting a ton of pressure on me to get stuff done before I need to start daily monitoring and am out for egg retrieval and embryo transfer:( Oh well!

Something I am doing this cycle is acupuncture. My insurance will cover 70% of the cost as long as the acupuncturist codes it as 'pain management'. I do really believe in the benefits though. I was complaining to her about why my period was so late during my appointment yesterday afternoon. Since I didn't really have any Lupron side effects to counteract she customized my treatment to focus on getting my period to show and low and behold, she came last night. So I'm a believer! I am going to do 1 treatment next week, 2 the following week when my stimming and monitoring picks up, then 1 before egg retrieval and 1 before embryo transfer. After embryo transfer I'll go in as needed for stress reduction during 2 week wait. The office is right across the hall from my RE and they will coordinate my treatments with my appointments with RE - so it's very convenient for me.

Other things I'm doing are daily meditation - just 10 minutes at lunchtime (I get no privacy in the office so I have to go to my car to do this - definitely makes it harder to stay diligent with though). I have several free apps on my iphone for this. I am taking daily 45 minute walks with my dog. So far I'm getting the same benefits in stress reduction that my typical strenuous workouts gave me before - just unfortunately don't get as much of a calorie burn so I have put on a couple pounds, but it has leveled off. I'm taking vitamins (prenatal, DHA, CoQ10, vit E & C, calcium) and baby aspirin. Can't think of anything else! Just really focusing on staying stressfree. Also thinking about funny movies to watch after transfer. There was some study that was done with women who went to comedy clubs after transfer. They had higher implantation rates. Worth a shot - and who doesn't like to laugh anyway?:D

So last couple days I've been continuing with Lupron, patiently waiting for my period to show herself. She was 3 days late, finally showing up late last night. Now I can finally call my RE on Monday (they are closed on the weekends) and schedule my start cycle appointment, get my Follistim teaching done, and get some better dates to think about!

Lupron going well!

First 2 shots of lupron have gone well! Didn't even feel the shot. Not noticing anything different regarding side effects except I seem to get really thirsty more than usual and have had some night sweats. But no big deal at all!

Meds are here!

I start my first Lupron injections tomorrow! Eek! Getting nervous!
I've got all my meds ready though!

It's getting real

Not much going on but my meds are due to arrive Wednesday! I think it'll really hit me then that we are actually doing this.

Obsessions

Hoping that I will get my meds in the next couple days. Starting Lupron on Friday and want to go over everything in my typical overly-obsessive way!

Speaking of obsessions, typically I am obsessive with planning my exercise program - I end up doing only about 50% of what I plan to do due to my delusions of grandeur, but it's enough to keep me in pretty good shape. But I am dealing with the guilt of not exercising right now. I am flip-flopping on whether or not I should exercise up to when I start stimming. Today my decision is to ease down drastically. But yesterday, it was the opposite - to workout as usual right up to stimming mainly to keep my mind occupied. But today I'm thinking that if I do get into a workout routine for the next 2 weeks and then have to stop - what is the point of starting right now? I might as well get my body used to the inactivity now instead of later. I do not have any goal right now - I definitely feel like a flabby slob, but really don't have much weight to loose. And I am not going to firm up that much in a matter of only 2 weeks. So yes, my stance today is to simply stick with walking the dog 30-45 minutes per day. When I browse through the forums on BBC and FF, I read similar things. Excessive exercise may cause inflamation as well and draws blood flow away from the uterus - which I guess you don't want when TTC because it prevents a nice thick lining from developing. I'll still get the stress-relieving benefits without any of the risk for injury or risk that comes with high-impact exercise. I am still having guilt about it though!  There will be plenty of time to work it off later though (hopefully in another 9+ months;).

PMS!

I think I ovulated last Thursday and am on the back end of my cycle so that means I'm getting the typical moodiness that I always get in week 3 and 4 of my cycle. Had to talk to my cell phone provider this morning regarding a billing error and had to hang up because I was getting too mad - not normal for me, hormones are raging and this is all me - no injections yet! LOL, My hubby is in for a long ride I think. Can't wait for my acupuncture to start up again next Friday. It helps so much with the PMS I think.

Stalking my pharmacy

I have been stalking my health plans website to see when they will be shipping my meds. Still no word and just shows that my order has been 'processing' for the past 4 days. Perhaps I am being overly obsessive but I am supposed to be starting next Friday and wanna make sure I get everything on time! Time will tell I guess - I'm sure it'll be fine. Just anxious to get this show on the road already!

No flu shot for me

People around here are dropping like flies. Don't know if it's the flu or not - seems too early but makes me nervous b/c when I was getting my annual check up last week with my primary care doc, she advised against the flu shot this season since I was going to be doing IVF. Something about it being within 30 days of your cycle affects implantation or something. I figured I'd take her advice but now am getting paranoid. I see lots of hand washing in my future!

Our Background

Thanks for visiting! We've been dealing with infertility since February 2011 but this day is the official start of our IVF journey. 

My husband and I will be doing our first cycle Oct/Nov 2012. I am starting Lupron Oct 12th and continuing until my period arrives. I will not be on birth control pills so exact dates are unknown at this point but I will probably will start stiming the week of the 22nd. Had 'kickoff' meeting this morning to go over Lupron injections. Was expecting the needle to be much bigger - but it's just a little needle - so I'm feeling more excited than nervous at this point! It's been a long road of waiting and waiting and waiting.

A bit of background - my husband and I married April 2010 and immediately began trying to conceive (TTC). By November I 'knew' that something was wrong and we got checked out. I did bloodwork, hubby got a semen analysis. I came back with out of whack hormones and a blocked tube (FSH level was okay though). Hubby came back with sperm quality issues. We were referred to a reproductive endocrinologist for me and a urologist for my husband who retested and found similar numbers - but no hormone or genetic issues for him, which was good but basically meant that there was nothing that could be done to improve his numbers other than improved diet and better lifestyle. I was put on clomid but did not respond well at all. With my hormone issues and blocked tube, we were told I would need injectible drugs in order to ovulate well enough to conceive. But an IUI cycle would be pointless due my blocked tube and husband's morph number. Plus the cost of injectible medications that I would need in order to go thru an IUI cycle would be very expensive. IVF would cost the same with our insurance (because the drugs are covered differently) and would give us a bigger bang-for-our-buck. So we started to make the preparations to go thru our first cycle June 2011, but were just not ready emotionally. The stress of the infertility diagnosis was still weighing us down and we needed to take a break and refocus.
So a year later and here we are! Finally felt that we were ready this summer so met with the doc to get started. Spent Sept getting retested - doc has given us the green light. Were pleasantly surprised by hubby's new numbers - count is normal now. Morph is still bad though - hence the IVF.

I am going to be doing acupuncture in conjunction with IVF cycle - have done a couple sessions already and it is just so relaxing. It is pricey but luckily my insurance will pick up 70% of the cost and flexible spending will pick up the rest.

Infertility Poem

I have longed and waited
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body.
I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life. Yes, I will be a wonderful mother!

~Author Unknown