Tips to get thru IVF

I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately on what behaviors and habits worked well for me and kept the stress to a minimum during my last IVF cycle.  Thought I'd post them:

• Keep a sense of humor - the more serious you are during your cycle, the higher the stakes will feel and the pressure will be too much.  Keep it light-hearted and you will keep the stress down as well. 
• Focus on one thing at a time - if you are stimming, don't worry about embryo transfer, etc.  Getting too far ahead of the game increases stress.  Thinking about all the stages of IVF is overwhelming if it is thought of all at once.  Learn as much as you can about the IVF process as a whole before you start your official cycle.  Once you start, breaking the cycle up into bite-sized pieces is much better and more manageable emotionally as well as physically.
• Join an online buddy group - I poo-pooed this idea at first but it was really surprising to see how much these groups have helped me get through our cycle and our resulting BFN.  Infertility is a very lonely road, but it doesn't have to be.  Millions of women across the world are going through the same thing.  Online groups are a good, easy way to give and receive support from women who know exactly what you are going through.
• Ask your nurse questions often - that is a big part of their job description.  There were times when I felt like I was being a nag and asking dumb questions, but I was always proven otherwise.  And always ask your nurse or RE questions instead of asking Dr. Google!  There is a lot of misleading and inaccurate info out there.
• Let your spouse in - chances are that your spouse is feeling similar feelings that you are.  Just because it may seem that you are doing all the work (taking shots, going to appointments, etc) doesn't mean that he doesn't feel overwhelmed or stressed as well.  Take the time to explain how you are feeling so that he may give the support that you need.
• Keep a gratitude journal - to keep things in perspective, try to find 3 things everyday that you are grateful for.  It may seem hard at first but it will get easier as time goes on.  Check this out if you are having trouble finding gratitude: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXDMoiEkyuQ
• Maintain a healthy lifestyle - eat healthy - organic when possible, keep processed and fast food to a bare minimum, go on daily walks for stress release, do yoga if it relaxes you.  If there ever was a time to take care of yourself, this is it!  Your mind and body will thank you.
• Take time to enjoy simple things - try to take a 5 minute time out everyday and enjoy something simple.  Play with your dog, buy yourself fresh flowers, take a nice hot bubble bath, spend some time just sitting and looking for the beauty in your surroundings. 
• Meditate often - the best news about meditating is that you don't need to buy anything and you can be anywhere to do it.  Of course it is best to be in a place where you can relax your body and you will not be interrupted.  There are a countless number of free iphone apps that can be used as aids and there is Circle and Bloom as well if you are willing to spend a bit to get full guided relaxation that is imperative during an IVF cycle.  http://www.circlebloom.com/get-started/ivf-program/
• Trust your body - during an IVF cycle you are injecting all sorts of drugs and making some pretty unreasonable and unnatural demands on your body.  It is easy to get paranoid that your body is not cooperating or have doubts that all this work is not going to result in a baby.  But sometimes you are going to just have to tell your mind to "Shut up!!".  A little patience here will go a long way.  Your body knows what it needs to do and you just need to let it happen.
• Keep hopes high, but do not have high expectations - you may worry that it will hurt more if you have high hopes and your cycle is not successful.  This is true - it will hurt if you have an unsuccessful cycle.  But you will learn to move on and heal.  There is no substitute for thinking positively, visualizing conception and carrying a baby to term.  We are human and it is perfectly healthy and normal to have hopes and dreams.  However, expectations are premeditated disappointments and are not healthy to have for an IVF cycle.  These will elevate the stakes and will impose too much pressure on yourself that is counterproductive.
• Let go and let God - in the end, it is God who will bless us with a baby.  There is so much that seems to ride on the woman's body during IVF and so much to do to prepare.  She needs to exercise, but not too much; eat well, but not too well - fat is good for TTC; take vitamins, but not too many; etc, etc, etc.  But really... while we do have control over our bodies to a certain extent, no matter what my husband and I do, we cannot control the outcome.  Do not look at this as something that is frustrating, see it as something to be relieved about.  It's not all in your hands!

Meditation CDs, test results, & sense of smell

I went ahead and bought the Circle and Bloom mp3 set for myself for xmas and really like it already. Was doing meditation sporadically with some free iphone apps before but Circle & Bloom is specifically targeted to IVF and is guided so really helps me out. Each session out of 20 or so total sessions are to be listened on specific days of your IVF cycle, so I'm hoping that will help me to be more diligent with keeping up with it. I like things to be regimented, scheduled (does not really help me let go and let God, but it makes me feel like I'm doing my part - which I do have full control over). 

I got my FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) and E2 (estradiol) numbers back. FSH is 6.4 and E2 is 89. FSH level is good - below 9.  But RE said E2 is a bit high - they like it under 80, but it's below 100, so it's adequate. If it was much higher, it could artifically supress my FSH number. Still waiting on AMH. I will probably get that result next Thursday. So feeling relieved somewhat. Still uneasy about E2 level and jittery about what my AMH will come back at, but nothing I can do about that right now.

But the main focus for me right now is to get my damn sense of smell back! Went to a nose doc and she gave me Prednisone and Nasonex (cleared those with RE who said those were fine - just need to be off those meds after CD1 of next IVF cycle) so we'll see what happens. She didn't think it had anything to do with the hormones though - probably more like the slightest of colds that brought it on. Wierd...

Meds are here!

I got my period yesterday. Yay!! So I have to get thru this cycle and then I'll be ready to go! I have to get FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) and AMH (anti mullerian hormone) tests done tomorrow - sorta nervous about those results - and then I have hysteroscopy on January 3rd at my new REs office in Chicago. Excited about that one! Also got my meds ordered and they arrived today complete with 45 3" syringes. Ugh! Don't know what those are for. Just needed those big boys for trigger last time. Maybe progesterone? But 45?? I guess maybe I'll need 45 if its successful? Doing the projesterone injections this time instead of suppositories. Anyway, things are moving forward at a good clip now! February here we come!!

We have switched REs!

We have officially switched REs! I'm feeling really good about our decision. I've heard great things about our new RE. There is not going to be as much hand holding though. We are trading Hoosier hospitality with the gruff Chicago attitude but that is fine with me if it means we will have a better chance at having a successful 2nd IVF cycle! I've done lots of research on this new RE and the concensus seems to be that if you want your hand held, don't go here; but if you want a baby, this is the place to go!

My drugs have been ordered and I'm on my way to starting my next cycle! I still have my next period to get thru (hopefully she comes soon) and then I think I can start BCPs on the next cycle? Not too sure about the whole timeline. Will know when my period comes. Yay!

Also seeing a nose doc on Wednesday. I've been goggling too much cuz now I'm paranoid I have auto immune issues -Sjogrens Disease to be exact. It can present with dry eyes (eyes have been dry since couple days post transfer), dry nose (since ER), changes in smell to name a few of the symptoms. If I have something like that, that would throw a pickle in things. Oh well! Gonna let Dr Google take the weekend off!!

Still can't smell

Still can't smell. LOL. Whatever!! Dr Google says that olfactory ducts turn over every 10 days so I'm gonna test out that theory and then go to doc next week if there is no improvement. Trying to get our possible new RE to order drugs for us before the end of the year and our insurance rolls over. If they agree to that, then we're officially switching REs! Really hope I get my period soon. Have to get AMH and FSH tests done on day 3 and don't want to deal with it around x-mas time! Will have to wait a whole cycle to start IVF again. I think I'll be able to start BCP in January though. Pretty please??

Where is sense of smell??

For the past week I have been unable to smell anything. I never realized how much I enjoyed being able to smell things! Even bad things! Well this morning I still couldn't smell anything. But then I worked out (haven't done it in about 1.5 weeks) and afterwards, I could smell! This evening it has died down to being able to faintly smell things but I'll workout again tomorrow and hopefully continue the trend! Really bizarre. Just don't understand what that's all about. Not sick and haven't had a head injury. Only thing I can blame it on is the ivf hormones. But haven't been on them for awhile now. And why was i able to regain my sense of smell after working out?? Hmmm... Oh well!

Ideas for closure

I am having a rough time processing the negative outcome of our IVF cycle. I am just so mad and feeling sorry for myself. My hubby and I are seeing a therapist to help me process and she asked me at our last session if I thought of our embies as blobs of cells or as babies. I never thought of it before but I definitely thought of them as my babies whereas my hubby did not. That was enlightening though and she suggested having some sort of informal ceremony to get closure. Plant a tree, get a box and put the picture of the embies in it and bury it or similar. Sort of difficult to do that in mid December but something to think about I guess.  Something I've heard on one of the IVF forums is to write a letter to the embryos.  I think I may definitely do that.

WTF meeting

We had our WTF meeting today. It was okay. Enlightening. Basically our last cycle failed because of my eggs. I have to get FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) done again and AMH (anti mullerian hormone) tests done to make sure I don't have DOR (diminished ovarian reserve). Otherwise they are making the assumption that I'll do better on antagonist protocol with lupron trigger. Every single one of my eggs was bad though - my RE called them 'clorg' eggs. Clorg stands for clustered organelles or something - which is bad apparently. It's all science fiction to me. I'm just calling them plain old rotten eggs! Definitely disturbing though. Now I have to wait for my period to come and go get these tests done. Prior to starting our IVF, my RE did not recommend any further testing for me b/c of my hubby's sperm quality. He said the meds would take care of any issues I might have and the IVF procedure would bypass my blocked tube. We already knew that I had hormone issues, but did not do further investigation beyond the FSH test I had 2 years ago - just knew it would be harder to get pregnant given my estrogen and progesterone levels. Well, the drugs didn't seem to solve my issues and now we have to try again. Sort of pissy. Especially since my job is not very secure right now and the only reason we are able to do this at all is because my insurance is awesome. I am so thankful for it, but now it seems like I have a good chance of loosing it soon and we pretty much wasted an opportunity with this last cycle. Sorry for the rant, but I just feel like I was a guinea pig - and unnecessarily so. I know it's sort of a trial and error type thing with the protocols but if the FSH and AMH tests are going to determine if I have DOR or not and hence an antagoist approach is better for that diagnosis, I think that's pretty important to know before going in to a cycle. Whatever! I think we might be switching REs anyway. Possibly to the clinic in Chicago that we had the phone consult with. Commuting there will suck but they accomodate out of town couples all the time and they have really good success rates. My clinic, not so much - below average actually.

With regard to infertility, I know I can't control it, fix it, change it and it drives my stubborn type A self nuts. Perhaps this is God's way of letting me know I'm not really in control. What I struggle with is where to draw the line between using the blessings God has given us and trying to manipulate or control the situation. My hubby says that we just need to quiet our minds and be confident that we are exactly where we should be. Opportunities present themselves and then we can take action - not the other way around.

2nd opinion phone consult

Had our 2nd opinion consult this evening and got a lot of questions answered. Our bad embryos were most likely due to an egg or lab problem. I asked about sperm and DNA frag and he said sperm accounts for 5% of the embryo quality. The rest is on the egg and lab techs. That explains why my embies were so slow even on day 3. So I'm cranking up on the royal jelly! Good news though is that he gave us a success rate of 70% - way better than the 40% at our current clinic! He'd put me on ganirelex protocol with a lupron trigger b/c he said my estradiol (E2) levels were way too high to support good embie development - HCG trigger increases E2 levels and ends up frying the eggs. Have our consult with our current clinic on Thursday so we'll see what they say.

Processing the BFN

I've been doing some reading on DNA fragmentation in sperm lately. Wondering if that was an issue that we were dealing with last time. I don't know why the DNA fragmentation test for sperm is not a standard test included with the basic male infertility diagnostic process. Seems like a lot rides on the frag number. I have started hubby on extra vitamin E and C. It's just such a battle to get him to take them - especially the vitamin C! To his credit though I am giving him a lot of vitamins. I may see if there are gummy versions of some of them:)) Hopefully we'll be able to cut back on them soon.

I am so tired of my cycle right now. It's been 1 1/2 weeks since starting my period and I am still spotting and ovulation is nowhere in sight. I have no idea when I'll get my next period. Good news though is that we get to do a phone consult with an RE in Chicago tomorrow - Advanced Fertility! http://www.advancedfertility.com/ Originally we were scheduled for the 2nd week of January, but there was a cancellation so we got bumped up. I'm really interested to hear about what this doctor has to say given that his success rates are so much better. Also have our followup with our current RE on Thursday so by that time we should have a good idea of what happened, what we'll do next and when.

BUT before we move forward, unfortunately I have to go in for some therapy:( I guess it's not such a bad thing but my hubby is telling me that I need to get help processing our failed cycle. I suppose he could be right, but I am under the impression that I am supposed to be mad, sad, slightly depressed for what could have been. Isn't it normal to feel like this?? We found out it failed only 1 1/2 weeks ago so I don't think I should have totally bounced back yet. I wasn't prepared for the amount of loss that I feel, but I know that our life will go on and we have more chances to try again.